I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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