remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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