ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
