roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
