Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
