I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
