Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
