My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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