I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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