I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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