The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
