I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
