So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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