just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
