I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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