birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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