An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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