My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
