dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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