it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
