Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
