Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
