My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You are a genius and a whore.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize