you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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