Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
