Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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