i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
