Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
