I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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