Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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