K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
