I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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