Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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