Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize