shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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