textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just forgot I was standing up.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
