someone get that fucking seahorse.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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