Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
