i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
