So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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