apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she looked like the before picture.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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