Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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