I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
