Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize