If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
