My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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