Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
