im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize