made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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