i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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