I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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