You really coming over, don't trick.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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