It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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