Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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