yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
