And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
