When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i will never coherently bang her
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
