There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
