He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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