OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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