booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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