My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
