After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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