Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
