I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
