Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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