I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
