am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
