I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
