i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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