I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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