Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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