so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
