so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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